Painful Words

A few weeks ago I was browsing the sites that have my books for sale. I don't typically make it a habit to obsess over how many purchases or reviews I get in a day, I try very hard to only look once a month. If I didn't give myself restrictions, I'd go crazy. After the first few months of having the books for sale, I gave up on looking for reviews. It seemed that people don't like to leave comments about books. It's frustrating. Imagine my surprise and excitement a few weeks ago when I finally noticed a new review on Zombies! I did a little happy dance in my chair before reading it.
I cried when I finished.
It took me almost two days to not be hurt by this guys words. I understand in my head that bad reviews are a part of this field. I expect to get them. I'm even glad to get them. I realize that not only did this person read my book, but he was so moved by it, he felt he had to post something. Of course, I'd much rather it be something positive, but I'm not so naive as to think that will always happen.
I never really thought of the implications of negative reviews and what effect they had on a writer. I always assumed that writers expected criticism, it's a part of the process, it helps them grow, and they looked past it to the bigger picture. I've personally never been mean in a review, and always try to find the positive in a book I may not like, but will also tell people why I didn't like it.
I knew I was going to get bad reviews. I was waiting for them, and waiting, and waiting. It took almost a year for me to get my first bad review. That has to mean something, right? I thought I was prepared for it, I knew it was an eventuality. I didn't expect it to hurt nearly as much as it did.
I've had so many people come up to me and ask when the sequel for this book is going to come out, hoping I'd get on it asap, and then tell me how much they loved it. I've been excited to write the sequel, plotting it out in my head with the direction I want to go, and even planning to end with a third short story. I have the whole trilogy mapped out and waiting to be put onto paper. As soon as I told people I was writing the sequel I was humbled and overcome with the excited joy I saw in their eyes.
Then I read my review. It really took me by surprise with the vehemence this guy had for Zombies. Every time I sit at the computer, or place my pen to paper, all I can think about are his painful words. My characters feel like they're cowering in a corner, bruised and unwilling to share the rest of their story with me in fear of continued retribution. We (the characters and I) weren't going to continue the story. Zombies was originally only meant to be a short story, but with how much people talked about and loved it, we've decided to continue. It still amazes me how one person can wound so deeply with harsh words.
People keep telling me to let it go, to not give him the power to affect me. Honestly, I'm flattered that I affected him so strongly. I've been looking at the positive side of this review, and am truly grateful for his words. It helps me to look at my writing in a completely different perspective, and see it in a different view. I'm glad to have gotten that review. I just don't know how to get my characters and my muse back on speaking terms with me.

today's thoughts

At one point when I was describing Zombie War to a friend, they told me that it sounds just like this show called "The Walking Dead." I was mortified. First because I was ignorant enough to not have any idea that there was a Zombie show, and second that my story mirrored this show. My friend told me about it, said it was awesome and that I should watch it. I don't watch t.v. all that often, I still only have one channel (I know, dark ages!) and I wasn't all that excited to watch a show that I was told I mimicked to a t. So here it is, almost a year later, and I'm trying to write a sequel to a book that I never intended to be a series, and I'm completely stuck. Every word I write, I hate. I can't seem to get past the first page, even though I've written almost an entire chapter. I can't envision the characters, the setting, or what's supposed to happen next. I keep thinking about other books that I want to write right now, and the Zombies keep getting pushed further and further back.
That being said, I've decided to watch "The Walking Dead." It doesn't mimic any of Zombie War, and is surprisingly a very good zombie series. I never thought I'd really enjoy an entire show of zombies, but this is a highly entertaining show. I'm half way through the first series and have only yelled at the stupidity of the characters a couple times. It is kind of predictable, but still a fun series. It is also getting me really into the zombie mood. I'm hoping that tonight I'll have very creepy, scary and grotesque zombie filled dreams.
How often do you wish to have zombie filled dreams? lol.

Blocked

Still can't seem to write anything decent for Zombies. I'm really getting frustrated with this sequel. I've been writing things down, but so far I hate it all. Hopefully something will start clicking and the words will start flowing. It's very frustrating.
I'm really getting fed up with the bs drama at work as well. I know that there's bs in every job, but it always seems that healthcare has it in spades. I try to be nice and friendly with other people, but I've decided that some people are just bitches. There's one girl at work who doesn't like me simply because I'm friends with someone else and goes out of her way to make my life a living hell. I'm just really sick of it. I'd give almost anything to be out of this field and into a male dominated field where they at least don't do sneaky, underhanded manipulations to ruin your life. They are up front and honest about it. Some days I wish my books were real and I was one of my characters.

New things

I wasn't planning on it, but I ended up publishing a very short erotic novella called The Lascivious Transformation. I was hoping to simply have it available for free on every site I publish, but could only make it free on Smashwords. (I've finally gotten over my frustration at this site and things are working wonderfully. YEA!) When they are finished with their formatting conversions, it should be free wherever eBooks are sold, but right now it's only free through them. At the other sites it's $0.99.
The Lascivious Transformation isn't necessarily part of the Origins series, but does fit nicely between Choice and Changed. Although you don't have to read the other two to understand what happens in LT, it's a fun series and I think LT helps to really add to the intensity of a particular scene in Changed.
Changed has gotten some very positive feedback from readers, and I am so excited where this series is headed. I've already started on the next book- Created. It follows Victoria on her life, and has been blowing up for me. So far, the beginning is so sappy and happy, I want to shoot her just for being so perfect. As I know it won't stay that way, I've been holding on. I hope that when I do the edits I'll find a way to make it less nauseatingly sappy and more entertaining. So far I've just been writing what she tells me to. Victoria is a very quiet nag in my head. She wants her story told, but has been content to let me simmer on the broader spectrum of where we're going to go.
I've also been trying to write the sequel to Zombie Wars. I'm not sure why, but I've been having a heck of a lot of difficulty writing this sequel. My heart's not into it, and I can't figure out why. I have a demand for a sequel, but no desire. I'm going to delve into the world of Zombies hard this week and try to pull myself back into Sarah's life. Hopefully it will turn out as good, or better than the first.
Some of you may notice the changes to my blog, I've been working on trying to make things less cluttered and easier to navigate. I hope you enjoy.
I know I don't post on here as often as I want to. Believe me, I'm working on it. Between the 12 books I have started, work, and simply living life, Blogging has proven to be a challenge for me. I've decided that this year, I'm going to make all my marketing a priority. I'm typically a very private person, who is shy and likes to observe people, and have been working on breaking out of my shell and opening up to you, my fans. Thanks so much for your love and support!

so annoyed

It's probably just me, but I'm seriously getting annoyed with Smashwords. It's one of the places I publish my books, and I like the quality of eBooks they put out and their strict guidelines, but I've been trying to fix the autovetter errors on two of my books for a while now and can't figure it out. I've reformatted, eliminated my table of contents, and have been trying to resubmit the changes for three days. All I get is this stupid loading icon. So annoying. Also, I wish they'd update the style guide to include macs. Microsoft Word is so much different with a mac that when I follow the guide I get all screwed up.
I'm tired today and whining. Sorry. I couldn't get to sleep today and then my husband worked late so it freaked me out when he wasn't home 2 hours after he normally gets here. I haven't had more than 4 hours of sleep and now have to go work with psych patients. He also came home and informed me that he may be getting a temporary lay off in the next week or so, unless things pick up drastically at work. I'm stressed out and wishing things would start getting better.
Top it off with my oldest cat scratching one of my friend's faces this morning and making her bleed, and I'm seriously annoyed with life today. Things have been going so well, I guess it's past time to have a bad day. After all, bad days help build character, right?

Weird day

It's my Friday/Saturday today from work, also known as the day I stay up for 26-28 hours. I was cleaning my house when for some unknown reason I started thinking about my first cat, Glitter. I was six when I had her, and seven when I was forced to part with her. While I was vacuuming, I couldn't stop thinking about the story of her and how someone would become a Crazy Cat Lady. I've often wondered about that. How many cat's does it take to become this person, do you have to be crazy to do it, and why does someone get to the point where they are this infamous crazy person? Is there some point in life where you just decide, to hell with it- I'm going to be the crazy cat lady!
I had to write it down, before I forgot the direction of my story.
I wrote, remembering the pure, childish joy that was quickly followed by the most agonizing pain I could imagine at the time. I spent a half an hour typing and weeping. I want to write this book, I think it would be an amazing production, but I honestly don't know if I ever will. As much as I'll try to make it a work of fiction, too much of myself will be put into it and I don't know if I'm ready for that.
I've realized this past year that there are bits and pieces of myself and those around me that go into my books. Most of my characters have base personality traits with people I know, and then their complete personality blossoms from there. This book however, would strip me raw. It would reveal things that are painful and hard to deal with. I'm not sure if certain people would ever forgive me for my opinions of them as I was growing up.
I don't know if I want people knowing that much about me.
So, for the moment, it will sit in my file with the other 12 books I'm working on. I'll hold it in my thoughts and decide at a later date what to do with it. For now, I'm content with my 8 babies sleeping around the house as I work in the quiet serenity that is the Crazy Cat Lady's house.

Nightmares

For the past two days I've been having nightmares, although I should probably call them daymares as I sleep during the day. I think I may make them into books, but I'm not sure yet. I've so far written down the skeleton of each of the dreams, and will check back once I'm finished with the next two books I'm currently writing to see what I might do with them. One is about a witch, another is a young adult murder mystery, and the last is a young adult vampire horror. All three scared the crap out of me as I was sleeping.
I've got to tell ya, when you start dreaming about cooking the hacked pieces of your best friend, you know you need to rethink sleep.

sleep

The past few nights I've been woken to the song Pyromania by Cascada running through my head, along with the quiet voice of Victoria wanting her story heard. I've been trying to put it off, knowing that I want to work on the Zombie sequel, but she's very persistent. The pain, betrayal and hurt she's endured throughout the ages makes it difficult for me to ask her to wait. So, as I sit here, sick with a sinus infection, dizzy, and tired of being woken to what I'm now dubbing "Victoria's theme song", I'm starting her story. It's not what I wanted to do right now, but apparently she's tired of waiting.
I'm still attempting to write the Zombie sequel, but it's been very difficult with Victoria sending me images of fire and torture. She's beyond ready for someone to know her, to understand her, and to finally have someone reach out to her with love. It's been over 400 years since someone listened. Her tale is dark and difficult, but needs to be told.
So here I write, in the wee hours of the morning, the sun still tucked away in sleep, and I'm starting her story. Maybe once we've started, she'll give me a break, and let me work on the story I've been wanting to write.

It's arrived!

Yippie!! It's official- Changed is available as an eBook!! It will be available in print in about two weeks. I'm so excited about this book! I can't believe how much I've grown this year as a writer, and I hope you enjoy it just as much as I do! The first chapter is available to read, just like the other two books. Happy reading!

Changed is finished!

Oh. My. God!!!! It's so freaking good, I can't believe it!!! I laughed, I cried, I hugged the book to my chest when it was finished! It amazes me still that I wrote this. I can't believe it. I'm in awe. I love it, love how this story's going, love where it's headed. I can't wait to start on the next one and I hope you all love Changed as much as I do. It will be available on eReaders on Friday. I'm so EXCITED!!!!!

Thanksgiving

Things have been so busy here lately! I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving, spending time with those they love. Mine is always bittersweet as I have family all across the country and can only see one faction of them at a time during the holidays. This year Bry and I spent Turkey day with his mom and older brother's family. It was surprisingly more fun than I'd anticipated. I was going on 20+ hours of no sleep, after a horrible night at work, but we had a good time. As usual, I missed those I couldn't spend time with, but appreciated being able to connect with Bry's family.
Today I decided to skip the insanity that is Black Friday and finish Changed. I've been up writing since 6:30, and am very happy to say that it's finished!! Finally!! I love it, and hope that you love it just as much as I do. I have to finish with edits and publish it, but am hoping to have it available by Dec 9th.
I think this one ends better, there's more of a conclusion and doesn't leave you hanging like Choice. I can't wait to start on the third one, but Natasha and I need a break, so the next book on the agenda is Zombie War: Little Apocalypse on the Prairie.
As always, I will do my best to keep you updated. Happy Reading! :)

Vacation

Holy cow. Bry and I just got back from a romantic getaway to Disneyland. It was so much fun and so good for us. We've decided that we need to get away from responsibilities more often and just enjoy each other.
 I love Halloween. I look forward to this holiday like children look forward to Christmas. It's just amazing to me. This year was the first year since being an adult that I haven't decorated for Halloween. It was very strange. Instead, we went to Disneyland in CA for Halloween. Let me tell you, it was a blast! We went to the Halloween party they host. I dressed up like Poison Ivy and Bry was Quail Man. He got so many compliments, including a "woman" who bounced her boobs for 20 feet to get his attention while he was draped all over me. Really? You're trying to get my man's attention while he's hanging on me? Wow. Anyway, the lines were relatively short as most of the people there were trick-or-treating, so we were able to go on all the rides in 4 hours. We had so much fun.
The next day we went to 6 Flags where the fun ended. We will never go back to this park. It was filled with unhelpful staff, rude teenaged patrons, and filthy facilities. We were so disgusted that we actually left a line to leave. The only good part of this was the Viper and the Whoo girl. Every time she sent the coaster away with new people she would say something like "Take a ride on the mighty Viper. Whoo Whoo!" We laughed every time she did this. Once we were done with the Viper, Bry was shaking in his seat and I was saying, "Let's do it again! That was fun!" He was terrified.
At a loss of what to do since we only stayed at 6 Flags for 3 hours, we decided to see what an IMAX movie was all about. We saw Puss in Boots 3D IMAX. Such a fun movie, but I still don't see what the IMAX fuss is. It wasn't any better than the Digital 3D at home, but it sure cost a bunch more. We both loved Puss. We are cat lovers, and this movie had great subtle cat people humor. I can't wait to see it again! So cute! :)
Sunday we were supposed to go to Six Flags again, but couldn't bring ourselves to do that. We decided to go to the Aquarium in Long Beach and end the vacation with a Pirate Dinner Adventure. Both were wonderful. While we were walking along the pier in Long Beach we saw a Pirate themed long boat complete with Captain Jack Sparrow!! I played paparazzi with my phone. It was awesome. The Pirate Dinner Adventure was a blast. I'd recommend it to anyone who likes good food and a very fun show. Reasonably priced and just a lot of fun.
On the whole, Bry and I had fun in California, renewed our passion for each other, and are more relaxed, happy and content then we've been in a long while.
When we returned, the cats greeted us by vomiting everywhere. They were not to happy to have us gone. It stresses them out. One of them even decided to puke on my keyboard. I'm now typing on a very old, very uncomfortable keyboard until I can get to the store and replace the one that was destroyed by kitty puke.
The house has been cleaned and sterilized, the cats are happy again, and we are back to our normal routine. I've been writing today while Bry works, and have been very successful with my day. If things keep going the way their going, I may actually finish this book soon! Yea!
Happy Reading, and I hope everyone had as wonderful a Halloween as I did!

Exhausted

I've been in a serious funk lately. My job is completely, utterly draining on my psyche. It's all I can do to get through the day without screaming at someone. By the time I get home, I'm so exhausted I can barely drag my butt into bed to crash. This time of year always brings out the worst in me, but it usually doesn't start until November 1, so I'm not sure what the problem is right now. What I do know is that there seems to be a rash of Brief Psychotic Bipolar issues in this town right now- basically that means people are freakin nuts! And they all seem to think it's my fault. I'm tired of walking on eggshells and trying to kiss ass to people, but I have to cuz if I don't they'll try to beat me up. We've been so short staffed that this would result in a gang of psychotic people trying to kill me while the nurse fumbles with inaction. The joys of working in Psych.
I still have hives, and no one can figure out why. It's frustrating and extremely itchy.
Top it off with my mother telling me she doesn't like the beginning to Changed, and well- I'm in a funk. I keep trying to remind myself that she didn't like Zombie War either, and that seems to be a hit, so she may not be the right person to critique my work. I don't know. I know that I miss my old coworkers, the ones that would read my rough drafts and threaten my life if they didn't get more. It's good for the soul to know that people like my stories. Watching someone read my work is one of my favorite things. Even if they don't particularly like it, I like watching the emotions cross their face as they read. To know I struck some chord with my writing makes me smile. I miss that.
Sorry for the downer, I just thought ya'll would like to know what's been going on and why you haven't heard from me in a bit. I keep trying to get into a positive place, but it has been evasive lately. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. :) ttyl

Don't Fear The Reaper

This book was great! I have to be honest, I got a little irritated at Keely's inability to cope with being dead. I mean, I get it, it's a traumatic thing. It's just, I would have liked her to have gotten a handle on it a lot earlier. It was as if we were going on a journey with the character, but focusing on the holy crap I just killed myself and there's no going back part and ignoring the vast unknown that's ahead of us. I loved Daniel instantly, and continued to enjoy him throughout the book. I'm still on the fence about Banning.
Michelle did an excellent job of creating a world and characters that I could connect with emotionally. I felt free to like and dislike characters and actions as if I were actually there observing them. The emotional turmoil Keely has from realizing the truly selfish nature of suicide was amazingly written. I couldn't imagine walking into that tub scene if I were her parents! Wow.
All in all, I would recommend this book to my friends. I enjoyed it, and hope there's a sequel that has more to do with Daniel. I'd love to know what happens to him now.

slammed

My life has been crazy this month. First I helped a good friend with her gram who has Alzheimer's, then my folks came to visit for the weekend, and I started allergy shots. I'm FINALLY back on my normal schedule, but behind on the writing. :'( So very sad about that. I'm not going to make my self imposed October publication deadline. I'm not even finished typing up the 20+ pages I have written, let alone started editing anything after Chapter 6. I'm trying though. I want to publish a good version, continue to improve as a writer. You guys deserve a good sequel. I promise, I'm working my tushy off to get a quality book out for you!
Work has been miserably awful, by the time I get home I'm so physically exhausted and mentally drained, I haven't been able to do anything extra. Things are getting better though.
My wedding anniversary is in 5 days. I can't believe we've been married 7 years already. Some days it seems like yesterday, others feel like an eternity.
My favorite holiday is coming up- Halloween! I can't wait! We're going to Disney this year to celebrate. I've been working on my costumes along with the book and cover. All three should be great. :)
I'm very excited about the cover for Changed. I should have it finished this weekend, and will try to get it and the first chapter up for your opinions by Saturday.
Happy reading, I'm going to bed.

Insight

This week has been amazing.
I hand-write my books, didn't know if you knew that or not, but thought I should mention it. It's a way for me to get the ideas out, and I can write at any time, almost any place. I carry a notebook with me everywhere I go so that when inspiration strikes- I'm ready.
I've tired the whole tape recorder thing, but it's really awkward for me. I feel narcissistic when I use it, like I want to listen to the dulcet sounds of my voice over and over and over- but I really don't.
When I sit at the computer, I tend to get easily distracted. My cat's want to cuddle, I need to market, blog, chat on Facebook, search things, whatever. If I don't have the pages sitting next to me, staring at me in accusation, I tend to not find the motivation to type. So I hand write everything.
As I type it into the computer, I do my first round of edits and usually expand or delete scenes.
This week, I've hand-written 20 pages. I'm beyond excited about this because I'm getting closer and closer to connecting to the pinnacle scene that I already have written. Natasha and I have gotten a better insight on her new life as an Atlantean shifter, and are finally starting to feel like she has a tentative place in her new society. It's awesome.
By the time I finish typing it into the book, I will have quite a bit more than the 20 hand written pages and more detail wrapped up into the emotional upheaval that is at the core of her being. She's more complex than I'd originally thought she would be, and while it's a bitch to write, I love it. I love that Natasha is her own person, and that this really does feel like someone just telling me about their story so I can share it with others.
I have to get back to writing now, still have 12 more pages to go. Happy reading! =D

News

Both of my books are available on CreateSpace.com as paperbacks. I just received an email from them stating that Zombie War: The Beginning is now available for greater distribution- to online book retailers!! I'm SO excited!!!! I have absolutely no friggin idea what this means, but in 6 weeks or less, I'm thinking Zombies could be available in paperback on Borders, B&N, and other bookseller websites. I'll definitely keep you posted on the happenings! This is so exciting!!
In other news, Changed is progressing slower than I want, but still progressing. I'm completely in awe of how much I've improved as a writer this past year. Re-reading Choice then following it with Changed makes me want to go back and do another round of edits and clean-up with Choice. I'm not sure if I should though. I kinda like being able to see the growth and progression of my writing, although if doing another round of edits would make Choice more attractive, then....
Changed has been so much fun to write. The challenges to create a culture within cultures, define the origins of myth and mystery, adding historical and relevant facts to make my fiction believable, has been a challenge that I'm absolutely loving. I seriously can't wait to share this book with you! I think it's my best so far. =D
In my personal life, my hives are finally starting to go away. YES!! I still itch, but it's not as distracting and all-consuming as it has been. Three months of hives are three months too long. Work has been adding  unnecessary stress to my life, but it's my Friday, and I can write and play this weekend. I look forward to the days when I get to scribe the life of my characters.
I love writing.

allergies

I have awful allergies that have been kicking my tail for three months now. I've had my first case of hives in 24 years. They were the worst case that the nurses I work with had ever seen. Joy. Finally, after three months of itching, bitching and basically begging for someone to skin me, I have some relief. Steroids can be wonderful things. :)
I've been able to write more, not be so exhausted, have a ton of energy, and function like normal-for me. It's bliss! If I wasn't so busy, I think I may actually be able to reach my target publish date for October, but as it stands, I don't know when I'm going to have time to write in the next month. Grr. Hopefully things will work out. I'll hear back from the songwriter's attorney in a positive manor, find time to write, get edits back, format, and have it out before Halloween. Oh yah- and stay relatively healthy for the remainder of this year! I hope I hope!!!!

hmmm...

I wonder how many authors actually take the time to get permission to quote or use things in their books. While writing Choice I ran across a couple of blips as I wanted to have the reader get a feel for the time period while not infringing on any copy writes. You may have noticed references to Janice Kansas, or Bite- those are my little creative twists on two very important things of their time. They were important to me in developing my character's personalities and little foibles. I've read some books where the references to things are blatantly obvious, and some have their entire books based on an idea of some famous movie/series/thing. To me as a reader, depending on how much the writer bases their books on that particular thing, it can be really cool or really irritating. A series I read about 8 months ago mostly irritated the crap out of me with all of it's references to something else. It was like the author didn't have a unique thought in her head, she just based her entire series on a combination of something else, and then told the reader about it. It got me wondering if she thought to get permission to use all those references/quotes, or if she just wrote it and said "To hell with it- writers prerogative."
It also got me into thinking about my own writing. What have I based my writing on? Do I sound similar to others, or are my thoughts truly unique? I know my stories are my own, that I didn't use anyone else's storyline to create mine. However, I have noticed a similarity to mine and another Atlantean writer. I love this author, and I hope that while our subject is very similar, people notice the obvious differences. It has also made me rethink wording and structure of certain scenes in this series. I hope to be unique, interesting, exciting and moving with my writing.
This whole thought process started because I desperately want to use a portion of a song in Changed. I could do this scene without it, but it dramatically pulls the emotion I want out of the reader. Every time I read it I'm overwhelmed. So, I emailed the artist and sent in a request to quote her. I was actually kind of excited to do this, it made me feel like a real professional. And now I feel like a dork. :) I'm currently waiting on her response, but it got me to thinking, how many authors actually take the time to get permission to quote something or state the title of something in their books? Is it even necessary with the vast amounts of media out there? How would the artist ever know their information was used, unless by some random act they read the book?
I think I think too much. ;)

ramblings of a frustrated author

Oh dear muse! Why do you torture me so? I have perfected a scene that brings tears to my eyes, yet cannot get from where we are to there. It is SO frustrating!!! I know what happens, I know how I want to get there, but we keep getting sidetracked in things that aren't ready to be explored and developed yet. Natasha doesn't want to feel what she has to in order to appreciate where she's going. She want's to be numb to it all. I understand, I really do, but sometimes we have to take the good with the bad in life and in stories in order for growth to be complete. I'm amazed daily at how much I love this book and how much I've learned since writing Choice.
I've been so crazy busy with work and home life I've barely been able to find time to write. It's been beyond irritating, but I'm working on it. I want to get this book out in October. I don't have to, but I really want to. Badly. It needs to be finished, I need to be off this roller coaster of emotions.
I think after this I may do another short for the Zombies and then focus on something dark and twisty. I'm starting to feel dark and twisty and need to put it on paper.