First of all, Happy St. Patrick's day! I actually like this holiday, as I try to wear the least amount of green to see if anyone pays attention. When I was little, if someone pinched you and you were actually wearing green, you got to punch them. I liked punching people. I still do. Perhaps I have a bit of an anger issue, who knows, who cares, I just like to see how many people pay attention to the little things. :)
Saphyra is doing her best to push the boundaries we've set while I write. She's sitting with her front paw directly on the smallest corner of my keyboard. She knows she's not supposed to sit on my hands or on the keys, so she's pushing boundaries to see if she'll get in trouble or if I'll cave and cuddle with her. Usually we compromise and I have a nice kitty couch set up on the chair next to me. They sleep there while I'm on the computer and occasionally I reach over and pet them. The corner of the couch rests against my leg, so they feel like we're cuddling. It works, unless they're in a boundary pushing mood. I love cats.
I've been tossing around the idea about becoming agented and trying the traditional publishing route. I enjoy doing it all myself. Knowing that I did the formatting, writing, cover-art, and really everything for the books, makes me really happy. It's a sense of accomplishment that I'm not sure I'd feel with an agent and publisher. On the other hand, if I had an actual publisher, I'd see my books in the stores. That'd be amazing.
So, last month something happened at work to make me wonder how long I'm actually going to stay employed. I freaked out and decided that I now have no choice but to try traditional publishing and pray that I get a decent sign on bonus. I wrote my query letter (Which was no small feat, let me tell you- holy cow!) and sent it out to three different agents. I'm also going to a writer's conference in April where I'll get to meet 1:1 with an agent an hope she signs me. I was stressed out, nervous, and scared to death. I'm not sure what scared me more, getting accepted or being denied.
I got my second denial yesterday and cried. The denials are actually very nice, for rejections, but it hurt to know that they didn't like me for whatever reason. It's also hard to face the reality that I'm stuck at my job for an unknown period of time.
I talked to Bry about it yesterday, and he said something to me that I thought was really profound. He said,"Why are you even trying to get an agent? You liked writing before, now you're miserable and stressed out. You're hobby should be fun, not make you feel like this." It struck a few cords in me, one of which we discussed and he apologized for- writing for me is MUCH more than a hobby. He had a point though. I love writing. I love the entire process. It's challenging, and I learn something new every day. I can see how much I've grown. It's awesome. My friend Audrey had this to say, "What?! I don't understand, all they have to do is read what you've written, and they'll love you!" That statement made my day. :)
So for now, I've decided to rethink a few things. I'm going to continue to write and continue publishing on my own. I like it, it makes me happy. If for some reason, I get approached by an agent or an editor, I'll figure things out then. I'm still going to the conference in April, I'm actually very excited to see what they have to say about writing. I'm not going to stress about it anymore, I love writing, and that's all that matters.