Friday, August 16, 2013

Thoughts on life

As many of you may already know, I've been having a difficult time transitioning from working nights in healthcare to working days as an author/grant writer. About six months ago I made this crazy transition with the thought that I'd finally have time to dedicate to writing, the writing processes and enhance my non-existant social life.
I've learned a few things about myself.
First of all, my time management skills SUCK!!!! Secondly, I get distracted very easily and last, when given the opportunity to become a social butterfly, my wings spread far and wide.
I've been struggling with coming to terms with all this lately, wondering what was wrong with me and if I was truly following the right path. I've been frustrated with myself, with sales and with the work I've been producing. The writing work's been so bad, I refuse to even bother typing it. My ideas feel forced, and once I read them, I hate every word. I will not publish something I hate. You guys deserve better than that from me.
I've been asking people for advice, trying to find guidance, looking to everything around me for direction for the past few months, to no avail. Last night, I looked where I should've looked in the first place - inside myself.
Six months ago, I was miserable. I worked at a dead-end job that I hated, was never able to talk to people because my sleep schedule was so crazy, and was just so depressed I didn't want to be around anyone even when I had time to be around people. Now I have time to do what I love, while making money doing something to enhance what I love. I'm able to meet new people, get out of my comfort zone and be reminded what sunlight is. Am I having challenges? Yes.
My biggest issue, I think, is that I'm constantly waiting for the bad thing to happen. I'm not sure how to accept that life can get better and recognize the good in my own life.
What I learned last night was that I'd been praying to get out of healthcare for so long, to have the freedom to do what I love doing (writing) that I didn't realize what I had when I had it. Do I still have to work? Yes. Is this a bad thing? No. Because I was given the opportunity to work as a grant writer part time, I'm able to work on the issues that a professional author would have to face, but I get paid to work through my stuff instead of freaking out that I haven't produced a novel or 5 in the past few months and wonder how I'm going to pay my bills.
I have things I need to work on, things I need to adjust in my life to make it functional. It doesn't make me a bad person, it simply means I'm learning. I'm growing toward the person I want to be. I'm not there yet, and that's okay, I just need to accept, embrace and enjoy the journey while I'm walking it. Who knows what another six months will bring...