I've had a difficult time getting older ever since I turned 30. My 30th was absolutely amazing - I was excited, threw a huge party, and became gloriously drunk. It was one of the best birthdays I can remember having.
Today I turn 33. I know some of you are saying, "what?! You're only 33?" I know, I'm older than I look. While others are groaning, "you are such a kid! You have so much life ahead of you, how can you be upset about being 33?" I know what you're thinking, because it's the same thing I say to my younger friends. And you're right. But that doesn't change anything.
For the past month, I've been increasingly frustrated and fighting depression. Part of that has been because I've had to return to health care (my second job isn't progressing like my boss and I had thought it would have) and had to work last night and tonight, and part of that is because I'm not where I want to be in my life.
Two things happened tonight that have released the birthday blues from my shoulders at the start of the day. First, I was able to leave work early. Not having to work, or get more work if someone else left early, was such a wonderful present.
Secondly, before I left work I had a conversation with one of the nurses and finally figured out why I've felt so poopy lately. We were talking about me not being as perky as I usually am, and I told her that it was my birthday. I don't like becoming older, because I'm not where I want to be in life. I feel like, for me, I should have accomplished something of note by now. Everyone I know has kids, or is pregnant, and either is a stay-at-home mom, or has a good job that they mostly enjoy. I don't have any of that. I have a dream that I'm working towards, but I'm not there yet. I feel like I should at least be able to see things coming to fruition. She planted the seed that I probably am better off than I think.
Thirdly, as I was driving home, I opened the moonroof and watched the moon as I drove. For me, there's something so therapeutic about the moon. I'm at peace at night, under the moonlight. While I was driving, stealing glances up into the sky, I finally relaxed and became excited about today.
I'm not where I want to be, but I'm trying. There are good things on the horizon with my writing, and the rest of my life is tolerable. While I'm not a fan of health care, I have a good job, in a good hospital, and am able to pay my bills with money left to put towards the books. I know what I want out of life, and even though it feels as if I'm stuck, I'm still taking steps forward. That's the most important thing. So while I may be 33, and not where I want to be, I'm headed in the right direction.