Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Ponderings

I've been thinking a whole lot about my past the past few weeks. I started a memoir a few months ago and thought to myself as I wrote it, "I can only do this when I don't have to go to a night job and am able to visit the sun." Writing this story would be fictionalized a bit because I don't remember a whole lot of things. I chose not to remember them. Some things have been sneaking past my barriers lately and I want to share them. I just don't know if I should.
Telling this story is extremely painful and difficult. It'd hurt a whole lot of people and I don't want to do that. I dislike hurting people. The question is, should I write it, should I show others out there that have had similar things happen to them in their past, that you can overcome difficulties and lead a healthyish life? Is it worth it to risk the pain I might inflict on others? I just don't know. I know I want to write it, yet I also know I'll need a whole heck of a lot of love and support while I do. It will take me places I refuse to go, open wounds I'd closed a long time ago. I know I'm not ready for that. I use my pain, my frustrations, my insecurities, my hopes, my dreams and little bits of me in all of my writing. If I write my story, would all that go away in my other writings? Would it get worse, or better? Do I even want to risk that?
Writing Victoria's story has hit closer to home than I thought it would and has forced me to reflect on some very personal battles. She and I have suffered and have loved more than we ever should've. We've maintained our hope for love, for a better life throughout extreme difficulties. Situations that others would've cowered from, we've gained strength. I absolutely love her story. It's hard to write because it's so close to home, but it's absolutely powerful and profound.
I've finally gotten to the scene where she turns into a vampire. This has been a very difficult scene for me to write because it brings Victoria down to her absolute lowest point in her life. It's painful, degrading and difficult for her to bear. I find I don't like causing my characters pain, but this has to happen. I've already created her as a vampire. She has to be Created somehow. We've been avoiding this for months now, writing other scenes, expanding on her history, all to simply avoid becoming a monster. Is being a blood sucking fiend a monster, or is it what's in your heart that makes you that? I really just want to jump to the ending, to see if she ever finds happiness, or if it continues to elude her until her dying breath. Even I don't know that answer yet.
Hopefully in the next few days she and I will gather our courage and go through the event that destroys her. Hopefully she'll come out of it in tact and realize that it's what's in your heart that's important. Your heart dictates your personality, how you'll react to something. If you have a good heart, you'll be a good person. That's what I believe anyway.
Well, I'm off to attempt to write a bit. I hope you all have a wonderful day! :)