Painful Words

A few weeks ago I was browsing the sites that have my books for sale. I don't typically make it a habit to obsess over how many purchases or reviews I get in a day, I try very hard to only look once a month. If I didn't give myself restrictions, I'd go crazy. After the first few months of having the books for sale, I gave up on looking for reviews. It seemed that people don't like to leave comments about books. It's frustrating. Imagine my surprise and excitement a few weeks ago when I finally noticed a new review on Zombies! I did a little happy dance in my chair before reading it.
I cried when I finished.
It took me almost two days to not be hurt by this guys words. I understand in my head that bad reviews are a part of this field. I expect to get them. I'm even glad to get them. I realize that not only did this person read my book, but he was so moved by it, he felt he had to post something. Of course, I'd much rather it be something positive, but I'm not so naive as to think that will always happen.
I never really thought of the implications of negative reviews and what effect they had on a writer. I always assumed that writers expected criticism, it's a part of the process, it helps them grow, and they looked past it to the bigger picture. I've personally never been mean in a review, and always try to find the positive in a book I may not like, but will also tell people why I didn't like it.
I knew I was going to get bad reviews. I was waiting for them, and waiting, and waiting. It took almost a year for me to get my first bad review. That has to mean something, right? I thought I was prepared for it, I knew it was an eventuality. I didn't expect it to hurt nearly as much as it did.
I've had so many people come up to me and ask when the sequel for this book is going to come out, hoping I'd get on it asap, and then tell me how much they loved it. I've been excited to write the sequel, plotting it out in my head with the direction I want to go, and even planning to end with a third short story. I have the whole trilogy mapped out and waiting to be put onto paper. As soon as I told people I was writing the sequel I was humbled and overcome with the excited joy I saw in their eyes.
Then I read my review. It really took me by surprise with the vehemence this guy had for Zombies. Every time I sit at the computer, or place my pen to paper, all I can think about are his painful words. My characters feel like they're cowering in a corner, bruised and unwilling to share the rest of their story with me in fear of continued retribution. We (the characters and I) weren't going to continue the story. Zombies was originally only meant to be a short story, but with how much people talked about and loved it, we've decided to continue. It still amazes me how one person can wound so deeply with harsh words.
People keep telling me to let it go, to not give him the power to affect me. Honestly, I'm flattered that I affected him so strongly. I've been looking at the positive side of this review, and am truly grateful for his words. It helps me to look at my writing in a completely different perspective, and see it in a different view. I'm glad to have gotten that review. I just don't know how to get my characters and my muse back on speaking terms with me.

today's thoughts

At one point when I was describing Zombie War to a friend, they told me that it sounds just like this show called "The Walking Dead." I was mortified. First because I was ignorant enough to not have any idea that there was a Zombie show, and second that my story mirrored this show. My friend told me about it, said it was awesome and that I should watch it. I don't watch t.v. all that often, I still only have one channel (I know, dark ages!) and I wasn't all that excited to watch a show that I was told I mimicked to a t. So here it is, almost a year later, and I'm trying to write a sequel to a book that I never intended to be a series, and I'm completely stuck. Every word I write, I hate. I can't seem to get past the first page, even though I've written almost an entire chapter. I can't envision the characters, the setting, or what's supposed to happen next. I keep thinking about other books that I want to write right now, and the Zombies keep getting pushed further and further back.
That being said, I've decided to watch "The Walking Dead." It doesn't mimic any of Zombie War, and is surprisingly a very good zombie series. I never thought I'd really enjoy an entire show of zombies, but this is a highly entertaining show. I'm half way through the first series and have only yelled at the stupidity of the characters a couple times. It is kind of predictable, but still a fun series. It is also getting me really into the zombie mood. I'm hoping that tonight I'll have very creepy, scary and grotesque zombie filled dreams.
How often do you wish to have zombie filled dreams? lol.

Blocked

Still can't seem to write anything decent for Zombies. I'm really getting frustrated with this sequel. I've been writing things down, but so far I hate it all. Hopefully something will start clicking and the words will start flowing. It's very frustrating.
I'm really getting fed up with the bs drama at work as well. I know that there's bs in every job, but it always seems that healthcare has it in spades. I try to be nice and friendly with other people, but I've decided that some people are just bitches. There's one girl at work who doesn't like me simply because I'm friends with someone else and goes out of her way to make my life a living hell. I'm just really sick of it. I'd give almost anything to be out of this field and into a male dominated field where they at least don't do sneaky, underhanded manipulations to ruin your life. They are up front and honest about it. Some days I wish my books were real and I was one of my characters.

New things

I wasn't planning on it, but I ended up publishing a very short erotic novella called The Lascivious Transformation. I was hoping to simply have it available for free on every site I publish, but could only make it free on Smashwords. (I've finally gotten over my frustration at this site and things are working wonderfully. YEA!) When they are finished with their formatting conversions, it should be free wherever eBooks are sold, but right now it's only free through them. At the other sites it's $0.99.
The Lascivious Transformation isn't necessarily part of the Origins series, but does fit nicely between Choice and Changed. Although you don't have to read the other two to understand what happens in LT, it's a fun series and I think LT helps to really add to the intensity of a particular scene in Changed.
Changed has gotten some very positive feedback from readers, and I am so excited where this series is headed. I've already started on the next book- Created. It follows Victoria on her life, and has been blowing up for me. So far, the beginning is so sappy and happy, I want to shoot her just for being so perfect. As I know it won't stay that way, I've been holding on. I hope that when I do the edits I'll find a way to make it less nauseatingly sappy and more entertaining. So far I've just been writing what she tells me to. Victoria is a very quiet nag in my head. She wants her story told, but has been content to let me simmer on the broader spectrum of where we're going to go.
I've also been trying to write the sequel to Zombie Wars. I'm not sure why, but I've been having a heck of a lot of difficulty writing this sequel. My heart's not into it, and I can't figure out why. I have a demand for a sequel, but no desire. I'm going to delve into the world of Zombies hard this week and try to pull myself back into Sarah's life. Hopefully it will turn out as good, or better than the first.
Some of you may notice the changes to my blog, I've been working on trying to make things less cluttered and easier to navigate. I hope you enjoy.
I know I don't post on here as often as I want to. Believe me, I'm working on it. Between the 12 books I have started, work, and simply living life, Blogging has proven to be a challenge for me. I've decided that this year, I'm going to make all my marketing a priority. I'm typically a very private person, who is shy and likes to observe people, and have been working on breaking out of my shell and opening up to you, my fans. Thanks so much for your love and support!

so annoyed

It's probably just me, but I'm seriously getting annoyed with Smashwords. It's one of the places I publish my books, and I like the quality of eBooks they put out and their strict guidelines, but I've been trying to fix the autovetter errors on two of my books for a while now and can't figure it out. I've reformatted, eliminated my table of contents, and have been trying to resubmit the changes for three days. All I get is this stupid loading icon. So annoying. Also, I wish they'd update the style guide to include macs. Microsoft Word is so much different with a mac that when I follow the guide I get all screwed up.
I'm tired today and whining. Sorry. I couldn't get to sleep today and then my husband worked late so it freaked me out when he wasn't home 2 hours after he normally gets here. I haven't had more than 4 hours of sleep and now have to go work with psych patients. He also came home and informed me that he may be getting a temporary lay off in the next week or so, unless things pick up drastically at work. I'm stressed out and wishing things would start getting better.
Top it off with my oldest cat scratching one of my friend's faces this morning and making her bleed, and I'm seriously annoyed with life today. Things have been going so well, I guess it's past time to have a bad day. After all, bad days help build character, right?

Weird day

It's my Friday/Saturday today from work, also known as the day I stay up for 26-28 hours. I was cleaning my house when for some unknown reason I started thinking about my first cat, Glitter. I was six when I had her, and seven when I was forced to part with her. While I was vacuuming, I couldn't stop thinking about the story of her and how someone would become a Crazy Cat Lady. I've often wondered about that. How many cat's does it take to become this person, do you have to be crazy to do it, and why does someone get to the point where they are this infamous crazy person? Is there some point in life where you just decide, to hell with it- I'm going to be the crazy cat lady!
I had to write it down, before I forgot the direction of my story.
I wrote, remembering the pure, childish joy that was quickly followed by the most agonizing pain I could imagine at the time. I spent a half an hour typing and weeping. I want to write this book, I think it would be an amazing production, but I honestly don't know if I ever will. As much as I'll try to make it a work of fiction, too much of myself will be put into it and I don't know if I'm ready for that.
I've realized this past year that there are bits and pieces of myself and those around me that go into my books. Most of my characters have base personality traits with people I know, and then their complete personality blossoms from there. This book however, would strip me raw. It would reveal things that are painful and hard to deal with. I'm not sure if certain people would ever forgive me for my opinions of them as I was growing up.
I don't know if I want people knowing that much about me.
So, for the moment, it will sit in my file with the other 12 books I'm working on. I'll hold it in my thoughts and decide at a later date what to do with it. For now, I'm content with my 8 babies sleeping around the house as I work in the quiet serenity that is the Crazy Cat Lady's house.