Saturday, February 16, 2013

Changes in life

I never thought following your dreams and doing what it is you love to do would be so scary. I guess I always envisioned the moment when one found what they're passionate about to open a door to instant success. Not necessarily extreme wealth, but satisfaction, ease, and success with whatever it is one is passionate about. For example: Let's say you love to sew. You love making things for people, creating new designs and are good at it. In my mind I always thought that doors would open for you, you'd get contracts and have your clothing sold in stores, online and even worn on the red carpet. It'd be easy, flawless, comfortable.
No one ever mentioned fear.
I've been working at being a professional writer now for 2.5 years. In the grand scheme of things, that's not a long time. Some days it feels like forever though. I've discovered a TON about myself during this process and have realized my passion. I love writing. I love absolutely everything about it. I've found others who share my passion, either through writing or reading what I've written. I've also discovered how insecure I am. I thought I was a strong person who didn't give a rats behind about what anyone thought of her, but I'm not. I care. Deeply.
I'm getting to the point that I've been working on for two years now and it scares the absolute crap out of me. I've gotten an excellent opportunity in a writing avenue. An opportunity that will open me up to have more flexibility with my writing as well as to work from home, away from the structure of bureaucracy that I hate. I'm beyond excited for this opportunity, but scared to death to leave the security of the job I've had for years. The job I hate. The job that stresses me out so much I've had hives for two years; where I know, if I stay, I'll end up having a coronary before I reach 40. I want to leave. I'm thrilled to be able to leave. It scares the absolute crap out of me.
I always tell people who are in my position to have faith. Trust in God or whatever higher power you believe in to have your back, that everything will be okay. Why is it so hard to follow my own advice? Why is following your dreams so terrifying? Shouldn't doing what you love and loving what you do be the thing you're working to achieve? Shouldn't that be a dream come true, instead of inspiring terror?
Sigh.
Good things are happening, I'm beyond excited about what the future holds, I just have to learn to let go of the fear. Thank you for your love and support over the years. I look forward to many years ahead with you. :)